Jealous? You are fine

A friend of mine thinks i'm stupid to feel jealous looking at beautiful girls. My friends have called me stupid many times for numerous reasons but this is not one that i'm ready to accept. How can anyone think its stupid to feel jealousy? If you've never been jealous of someone, then its time to get yourself checked 'cos its not normal. I've been jealous of so many things and people that its one of those emotions that i go through very often. Very very often.

Guys feel jealousy is something only girls feel. Really??? So tell me.. Don't you boys feel the pinch of jealousy when you see a tall dark handsome rich famous guy driving your favorite car? What am i saying pinch? You guys would be drowning in the ocean of jealousy. 

Its just that i'm fine with it and talk about my jealousy but few hide it and pretend to be completely fine with each and every other person in the whole world. 

Just the fact that i'm fine by talking out loud about what i really feel proves enough to me that its not stupid.. :-) 

Newspaper

The minute i woke up today, was asked by mum to go to the bank for some bank stuff i hate. Obviously not a good start to my day and din't want to make it worse by arguing, so agreed. On my way to the bank the auto driver gives me the newspaper, asks me to read the main page article and tell him what i think of it. I was shocked and worried. Shocked 'cos this was bit strange to me and worried 'cos i've never read newspaper other than just looking at pictures in Bangalore Times. 

Was really worried what he think if said i don't read newspaper. You might say we need not worry about what people think of us. But i do care. So took the paper from him and pretended to read till i reached the bank. Am i smart or what? :-) Minute i reached, thanked him and walked away. 

But it doesn't end there people. Came out of the bank once done and the same auto was present and no other. Oh god..!! I can't put to words what i went through that moment. I got in the auto and started going through my contact in phone to look busy. But that din't stop him from asking my opinion on the article. Could've just said " Its a great article" or " I don't quite agree with it" kinda opinions but decided to get it over with by telling the truth. So told him i din't read the paper. he din't say anything till i reached home. 

When i got down and gave the fare, he said " Sorry madam, i thought you could read". How could i explain my lack of interest in reading newspapers to him? So just smiled and walked back home. 

Home

Its a whole different feeling to visit a place you have love. You feel at home even though you lived there for short time. That place to me is Malleshwaram in Bangalore. Its so full of color and energy that every time i'm there, don't feel like leaving. I spent my childhood there and though my friends don't live there anymore, just looking at mine and friend's old houses brings back memories that brings a smile on my face. Its the twenty bucks pizza, MTR softie ice cream and just walking down the ever busy 8th cross that i  miss the most. So mum and I visit this place every tiny chance we get. She loves it just as much as i do. 

So when we were in 8th cross just to eat the pizza, i took few pictures 'cos that's all i've been doing lately.

Don't ask me

I don't know how to answer when someone asks " What do you want in life?" Ask me what i want and i'll be able to answer in a minute with a long crazy list that would make you regret asking the question. 

Its when the word "Life" gets added to it, i start thinking about how i could give a fake answer that would make that person think i'm smart. I have done this many times and know for a fact that its not worked 'cos the other person has never looked at me with pride in their eyes. Clearly my fake answer was not convincing enough and proved my true colors. 

I've never asked this question to anyone 'cos to be frank i don't like it. Sure there are people who know the exact answer to this and maybe get exactly what they want. But no matter how hard i've tried, have never really got an answer to what i want in life. This does not mean i don't dream. I do. Ones that i try my best to make it true. Some may argue that we need to have one big goal or a dream in life to work towards it. But to me its not that way. I dream everyday and work towards it. It changes over time. 

All i can say is dreams are not about big small or medium. Lets just put in our hundred percent effort to make it true. 

If it doesn't come true.. cry, blame yourself and everyone else in the world, decide to never ever dream. For a week. And then build another dream.. :-) 

This is what i do and trust me it works. Crying and blaming for a week or two is the healing process that makes me strong to face anything. 

Music

Nothing beats the feeling of waking up to mum's singing. No matter which song's being sung. 

My mum has been singing for a very long time. More than twenty years i guess. She gets so engrossed in it that nothing can distract her. Have never seen her passionate about anything else other than music. It was during my school days when i gave Carnatic music a try. Which went on for few years and then i quit 'cos din't want to take the exam. After which i lost interest and never went back to it. Even today i hardly listen to any kind of music. 

Mum always wanted me to sing. It was one of her dream and i know she was hurt when i quit. But till now never once has she spoken about it to me. Has never forced me into it 'cos when its about things like music and art, you can't force anyone into it. You are passionate about it or not. Simple as that. She understood this pretty well. 

When i told her about my blog, could see the happiness in her eyes. So when she read what i had been writing, what she said made more sense to me than anything else. She said all of us need a way to express ourselves. For some its through music, for few its dance and for those like me.. its writing. 

We shouldn't think about being good at it. Should do it 'cos end of the day it makes us happy. 

Pink and Blue

Who got this concept of pink for girls and blue for boys? I don't get it. A year back my niece was so obsessed with this pink and blue concept that she din't wear blue for a very long time though she loves it more than any other color. 

At one point she refused to wear shorts and shirts 'cos she thought they were only for boys and she wanted to be girly. I don't understand kids nowadays. Not that i've spent lot of time trying to understand them. Its just that i've a eight year old girl at home who has crazy and amazing (rare) opinions and ideas about almost everything. When my friend Nisha and I talk about something that obviously a eight year old can't comprehend, she just nods her head and gives "been there, done that" expression. When i'm feeling low, she comes over to me and says things like "Don't worry, Just watch two and a half men.. Everything will be fine". Oh yes.. She watches Two and a Half Men and thinks Charlie's fun and Jake smart. 

She once fought with me in a restaurant 'cos i had placed her order by the time she was back from the restroom. Reason for fight : She wanted to take a look at the menu and decide and i have no right to choose food for others. I did learn my lesson that day but it also made me think about kids. 

Do kids now express themselves better than we did at their age? I think they do and i love it. 

my little monster/princess

Here & There

My friend Nisha was in Bangalore over the weekend and her brother/my friend Pratik was back from Scotland.. So was at their place on Sunday to laugh at Pratik's stupid jokes. Their house is just so beautiful that i had to take as many pictures as possible. Especially the garden. And her cat.

Note to Pratik : Nisha and I beg you to lose your Scottish accent. Its not funny anymore.

Anyways.. take a look at few pictures i took at their house.. :-)

soooo cute.. :-)

No regret

If there's someone you've been thinking about but din't have enough courage to make that call, do try to call or meet that person and talk. Its never too late. Trust me. Its not. 

I did call that person today and believe me it made a difference. To me and that person. Reasons for not taking this step way back is not something i want to keep in mind and think about 'cos i'm happy that i made a decision to break the silence and make things better between us. We spoke for just fifteen minutes. But its made a difference in my day and my life. I'm proud of myself for doing this 'cos ten years from now, won't regret not doing this. 

If you think it hurts your ego to make the call, ask yourself if you are ready to lose that person and based on the answer take your decision. 

B'day man

Its my dad's birthday today..!!!!!  Happy B'day appa.. :-)  

What can i say about this man who thinks he never has to exercise 'cos he bunked college everyday for two years and played cricket. Anything i say about him would be less. My life is really great and more fun 'cos of him. He makes me laugh so much that i forget he's my dad and feel i'm with a friend. Another reason for feeling that way is 'cos he behaves like a twenty year old. He never really talks about his age. Thinks and believes he is one among my friends. He's never been over protective about me and my sister. Has always let us take decisions on our own and never went into "I said so" arguments when our decisions have not been good. 

Another quality i love about him is never talking, thinking and going back to the past. He never really talks about the future as well. Just lives the day as it comes. I've never really seen him being tensed about his or anyone's future. Even when mum n i were scared about my tenth grade results, worried if i'll even get into a college, he just told us not to worry 'cos there has to be a college in this world who'll be ready to take me. He's always been this way about everything. Man who says there is a solution to every problem. 

He knows exactly how to wake me up every morning. Switch on the television, play Bollywood songs as loud as possible, switch off the fan and my day has begun.. at which point we get into an argument about his habit of switching off the fan. If TV plays our favorite dance number, we forget everything and dance to entertain mum. 

He is someone who's understood my lack of interest in cooking and has never asked me to enter the kitchen. This one reason is enough for me to love this man forever and ever. 

I love you so much dad. You've never heard me say this out loud 'cos you know i'm not the type who say it. But this post here is my way of showing love, respect and how proud i am, have been and will always be to call myself your daughter. 

Answer

Fear of rejection and failure is something that stops us from getting better. I have in life till now not tried lot of things, not spoken to many people, never really took part in many activities like quiz, dance and other stuff in school and college, learnt Carnatic music for few years and quit just 'cos i din't want to fail the music exam. 

Should say things have changed a lot now compared to few years back. I don't think a lot when faced with an opportunity to try something new. I do take part in games and stuff at work and really enjoy it. What got this change in me? Time's the answer 'cos can't think of anything else that could have brought this change. 

Five years back i din't have more than three friends. Questions used to block my mind. What if i don't get along with that person? Why do i need to make friends? Will they judge me for my words and actions? Growing up i experienced that we do meet lot of people who judge us, whom we don't get along with.. but that should never make us stop meeting people and making friends.I did make more friends and got my answer to why we need them.

Life's just so much better with friends.

I'm fine

There are few things i've been thinking about.

Like how life would be a lot simpler if we start saying what we really want. It won't be easy but not impossible. Want to give this a try 'cos its really hard for me to say what i would like to. Like how i say "i'm fine" when i'm not. Its a small change but kinda sure of having a great impact if i can continue to say what's in my heart. 

Another change i'm hoping to make in my life is saying "No".  Just can't give a straight no to people. I agree to ordering Chinese food 'cos everybody else does though i don't really like it. If reading this makes you think i don't have a mind of my own and so follow others, you are right. I've not been able to say "No, I want to have bisi bele bath with potato chips" 

Will these small changes make a difference in my life? Time will tell. 

Moment of change

Has any of you ever gone through something and felt that you've been through this before exact same way?

It can be anything. Like you walk in a particular lane, look at birds and a billboard and feel you have walked in this lane wearing same clothes, looking at the same birds and same board? I'm not sure if you guys get what i'm trying to say but i've felt this way so many times till now that  it worries me sometimes thinking i'm the only one to feel this way. 

They are not dreams or anything of that sort. Sometimes its like i would have had a vision about something not important and after many days it  would happen the same way and make me remember the vision. 

Though it worries me, it also makes me feel like i've a super natural power.. :-) My best friend is so used to me having these visions and going through it after few days, if i'm making a strange thinking face, she'll understand and leave me alone for few minutes and not ask about it 'cos its never about anything important.

Another strange thing about me is i have something called "Moment of Change". This happens to me when i'm crazy about things like a particular chocolate or a bag or something of that sort and all of a sudden i'll no more be interested in it. This actually happens in a minute or two. One minute i'm all crazy about Mysore Pak (South Indian sweet) and next minute i hate it. 

Does this happen to others as well or can i add this quality to my super natural powers?  Let me know.. :-)

List

I make lists for everything and anything. Needs, wants, grocery, clothes, movies, books, blogs, phobias and so many more. I even once made a list of emotions i went through or felt in a day. So you get the point. I'm a crazy list maker. 

It was strange that i never made a list of what i don't need. So here it is. 

1. Newspaper (Don't read them at all)
2. Pre University books that I've kept only 'cos my handwriting is nice.
3. Empty gel pens. (There were days when i could afford only the refills)
4. Nail enamel ( I don't and will never have the patience to apply it)
5. Net book ( Think i bought it just 'cos it was purple and pretty)
6. Chocolate wrappers ( can't even remember from when i have them)
7. Clothes that don't and will never fit me. 
8. So many pairs of old and torn shoes that no cobbler can fix.
9. Earphones, Cd's, phone chargers and i even have so many floppy disks.. no idea where that came from.
10. More than 50 sheets of paper scattered all over my room which has poem written on them. I say poem 'cos my not little anymore niece has written one poem (five lines) in all the 50 sheets. 

Hmm.. reading the above list, i'm thinking this was not how i wanted to write this post but its brought light on something more important to me at the moment. 

Really need to clean my room this weekend. 

Here & There in Pondicherry